Insanity of the Caribbean
by KRenee
Summary: Kimmie is dropped into the world of POTC. Kicks in the crotch, punches in the face, screwing up the fabric of time, and lets not forget ridiculing everyone's most favored characters. What am I missing? Ah, yes! My insanely awful potty mouth!
1. Our Herione Arrives

Kimmie's brown eyes eased open, and she sat up, yawning blearily and rubbing her eyes tiredly. She stood up, and rubbed her sore buttocks with an agitated groan. Judging by the swaying and seagulls, she was either drunk in the Wal-Mart parking, or she was on a boat. She glanced to her left, and stared out at the vast ocean. A boat. Yes, definitely a boat. Either that or she was drunk _and_ high. Sure, she had had a little bit to drink and a tad bit to smoke with her sister while watching a movie, but this was ridiculous. Plus, she felt sober. What in the world happened to the world?

Looking around the ship and taking a few steps before hearing something make a weird noise until her foot; Kimmie glanced down and pulled her foot back. A familiar DVD was there. _**Pirates of the Caribbean; Dead Man's Chest.**_

Kimmie blinked blankly, before stooping down to lift the box from the ground. She looked around herself and frowned as she pocketed the DVD in her back pocket, where it sunk into another universe that she could easily access later.

"Ooh, Nelly." She stated aloud, wanting the whole world to easily understand just how completely fucked she was.

"What are you doing on the ship?" A familiar voice spoke up behind her, "Who are you?"

Kimmie turned on her heel to face William Turner. She stared at him for what felt like an eternity.

"William Turner." She finally said to him, "So I'm standing on the Black Pearl, I'm high, and I'm drunk, and someone must've slipped me some kind of hallucinogen. Damnit, Kasedy. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Whatever. I'll just go along with it. My name is Kimmie, and I'm going to be on this here ship for a while." She turned away from him ands started walking, "For the sake of comedy relief, I'm going to find Jack and be a bother to the world."

She easily found him in his office. If it could be called an office. It looked more like her father's cave/den/thing. He was staring at something and hitting his compass. Kimmie slammed the door, which didn't seem to catch his attention.

"Hey, loser. Pay attention to me." She snapped, hitting him upside the head. He suddenly jumped up, pulling his gun from nowhere and pointing it at her.

""You can't kill me, Jack. This is all a hallucination. If I s-…" His gun went off, piercing her arm all too easily.

She let out a piercing scream of absolute agony. Mr. Gibbs, William, and several crewmembers that no one knew the names of appeared.

"Wh-What ye be doin to that poor lass, Jack!?" Mr. Gibbs yelled.

"She's just a girl! Why did you shoot her!?" Kimmie had fallen to her knees on the floor, crying and screaming curses.

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU FUCKING SHOOT ME YOU FUCKING FAGGOT! I OUGHT TO FUCKING STAB YOUR EYES OUT AND FEED THEM TO MY CAT!" She shrieked, "IF YOU EVER FUCKING SHOOT ME AGAIN I SWEAR I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!"

Jack, seeing the distress of both the lass and his entire crews' ears, he bent down and awkwardly patting her uninjured arm, "Are ye okay, lass? I didn't mean to shoot ye."

"NO, I'M NOT FUCKING OKAY, YOU IDIOT! I JUST GOT SHOT IN THE ARM!" Was her furious reply, shouted slightly louder than before.

"W-well… Somebody give her some medical attention!"

"NO, NOT SOMEBODY! WILL'S GONNA DO IT BECAUSE HE'S THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS FILTHY A SHIP WHO ISN'T A FUCKING PERVERTED PIRATE!" Kimmie shrieked in rage. Will paled slightly, but Mr. Gibb's handed him a bottle of alcohol and some makeshift bandages that pirates happened to have.

Not having any other choice, Kimmie pulled off her hoodie that she had been wearing to reveal the GAPING WOUND IN HER ARM.

Several long and strenuous minutes of screaming and curses later, Kimmie was in semi-good shape, and she was done yelling at Jack.

There was a scene change, and Jack and Kimmie appeared in the wine cellar.

"I see…" Kimmie murmured to herself, "This isn't just a hallucination, or else that shot wouldn't have hurt so much," She watched from afar as Jack and Bootstrap Bill monologued at each other forever, "So, at the end of the movie, I'll get to go home. Awesome."

They finished talking, and Bill did something similar to molesting Jack. Jack was horrified and about to call him on sexual harassment, but Bill disappeared. That's what it looked like to Kimmie, anyway.

They appeared on deck, and Kimmie followed Jack randomly to an area where he yelled orders and talked to Gibbs, and then hid behind a staircase.

"You looked far too calm, lass." Jack said to her. Kimmie glanced at him with raised eyebrows.

"Yeah, I watched the movie." Jack blinked.

"Moo-vee?"

"Never mind." She replied coolly, watching as everyone ran around like maniacs.

They skipped about three hundred scenes, and Kimmie found herself floating in a boat in the dark fog, standing next to William.

"My author is a loser, and doesn't like writing, I guess. Well, she'll probably edit it eventually." She said to herself before turning to Will, "You're gonna get captured by Davy Jones, by the way. I just thought I might want to warn you. You might get whipped, and you will meet your father, Bootstrap Bill Turner."

"Why do you seem to know so much?"

"I watched the movie." She said calmly, "By the way, you looked better as Legolas."

Well, the next part is annoying and I don't remember how it goes, so I'm going to skip it. Will got sent over and got kidnapped by Davy Jones, and Kimmie, being the stalker that she is, followed him around.

Davy Jones spoke to a guy that didn't matter in life, and then to a Christian bastard. Finally, the tentacle man appeared before Will.

"TENTACLE SEX!" Kimmie shrieked, pointing at Davy Jones, "You really are an octopus. All my dreams have come true. You want to know why we're here, right? Jack Sparrow sent us to do things, and I don't remember what those things are. I followed Will because I'm the most annoying person ever known to mankind. Ever. Anyway, It's a pleasure to meet you, Dad. My name is Kimmie."

"D-Did you just call him DAD?" Will blurted out in horror. Kimmie turned to him, before turning to Davy.

"Did I just call you Dad?"

Davy Jones nodded slowly, "Yes, ye did."

"SONOVABITCH. I give up. NICE TO MEET YOU, DAVY JONES. MY NAME IS KIMMIE AND I HATE EVERYTHING." She snarled loudly, grabbing his wet and slimy wrist and shaking it profusely, before turning to Will and wiping the slime on his shoulder calmly.

"What the hell?"

"SHUT THE HELL UP WILL! YOU'RE ABOUT THREE SECONDS FROM GETTING MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS!"

"QUITE YELLING, ye bloody wench!" Davy Jones snapped. Kimmie whipped around, her hand coming from nowhere and smacking Davy across the face.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME, YOU FILTHY FUCKING SQUID!?"

"DON'T DISRESPECT THE CAPTAIN!" Someone else snapped at her. She pulled back her leg and kicked him in the crotch.

"FUCK YOU!" She shrieked, "I WILL DISRESPECT WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT!"

"SOMEBODY KILL HER!"

Kimmie reached around and grabbed Davy's sword, pointing it at the captain himself, "I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, IF I GET SHOT ONE MORE FUCKING TIME, I WILL GO CRAZY ON YOUR ASS!"

The squid-man grabbed the sword and tried to break it. It didn't even bend. He blinked.

"That's right," Kimmie said, a scary smile appearing on her face, "This is a fantasy world. It's not real. That means…"

Suddenly, a man with white hair and shockingly dark blue eyes walked into the scene, patting Kimmie on the shoulder.

"Calm down, Kimmie." He said, "They won't shoot you." Teara's voice was all too reassuring.

"Well, just don't kill anyone unless I give you special permission." She smirked evilly, "Anyway, let's get this scene over with." She pressed her hands over Teara's ears and screamed.

"WILLIAM TURNER!" Bootstrap Bill appeared out of someone's ASS, and walked over.

"I was called?" He asked, turning to his captain for further instruction.

"Yes, you were called, by the wench." Kimmie pulled back her fist and punched Davy in the face.

"CALL ME A WENCH ONE MORE TIME AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS, YOU FAGGOT!" She calmed herself and turned to Bootstrap Bill.

"Will, this is your so… no wait… Will this… Bill thi… Fucking hell."

"Bill, this is your son, William Turner. Will, this is your father, William Turner." Teara said for her as he tried not to break into laughter

A looong silence ensued.

"Dad?"

"Son?"

"Yes, awesome, isn't it? Let's get back to the movie." She said. Things happened, and I'm not all that sure as what comes first. So, we're going to go in the order that I want them to go in.

So, Will is about to get his ass kicked. Kimmie steps in.

"Woah, woah, woooah. Wait on a second." She said, mixing up her words like a retards, "Davy, you weren't at all clear on which William Turner you were talking about, so they both sprung into action. The thing got dropped because Bill let go." The crew turned to Bill angrily, "But I tripped over the rope and it got pulled from Bill's hands. In the end, I'm at fault."

"So, this is your fault then?" One of them asked uncertainly.

"Yes, it's my fault."

"Is she lying?"

"NO, DAMNIT! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU THINGS!? INNOCENT UNTIL PROVEN GUILTY! I'VE BEEN PROVEN GUILTY! BEAT ME, DAMNIT!" She shrieked. Not wanting to see anyone get punched again, they quickly went into action, beating the crap out of her.

She bitched and moaned, cried and sobbed, and cursed worse than any pirate ever.

Now, they're about to play a game. (I wanna play a game. - Nigahiga)

Kimmie, before Will could do anything even suggesting getting himself in any deeper shit than he was already in, shouted loudly, "DAVY JONES, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE, BITCH!"

The squid appeared on the spot, looking angrier than usual. He wasn't used to being treated like shit by a 15 year-old, but he would have to adapt to it. He was already nearly used to being called all sorts of unkind names and being insulted over and over.

"There's our favorite wittle octopwush." She said in a mock-baby voice, "We're going to play strip poker." She then pulled an entire poker set out of her back poker in a similar manner to Serious Sam, and explained all the rules of strip poker, including the getting naked part.

Everyone stared at her silently.

"Are we playing or not?"

"If I win, I get this," She held out the picture of the key that Jack wanted that she had stolen from Will's ass pocket, "And I want you to free Bootstrap Bill, and I want you to let us return to the Black Pearl with one of your dinghies. And I also want you to not attack us at all at least until I get back to the Black Pearl. Don't even follow us. Also, if you fail to followed these rules and conditions, I'm sure Teara will have something to say." She said with a grin.

"And if you win, I will gladly hand over my body, mind and soul, and I will stop teasing you, and I will stop insulting you, and I will give you Will and Jack."

"Hey!" Will shouted, "Don't incor-.."

"WHAT DID I SAY WILL!?" She suddenly shrieked, turning on his and kicking him in the crotch as hard as possible. He collapsed in an instant.

"Anyway, are we going to play?"

Davy's eyes narrowed, but he smiled and nodded, "Your wagering an awful lot."

"I have my reasons, hentai-whore."

Clearly, Davy was putting too much faith in the fact that he was wearing more clothes than Kimmie. He was also cheating, Kimmie noted, but didn't mention. He cheated, and he lied and he did all sorts of dirty tricks, but Kimmie still won, because she has beginners luck. This was only her second time playing, and even though she knew all the rules, she still didn't know how to play properly. Yes, she is fail.

His nudity taught Kimmie a few things about Octopus-men. Because octopus men don't have as much room between their legs as octopi do, they had really small penises to make room for the ink-squirter. Also, Davy Jones' ass is goddamn amazing.

As she passed, she wolf whistled and slapped his ass, "Hey baby, can I get your number!?" She laughed hysterically as she led Will and Bill over to a dinghy and hopped in. They returned to the boat, and Jack was surprised to see them.

"How did ye get away?" He asked in confusion. Kimmie smiled evilly as Teara appeared next to her, blood on his hands.

"I have my ways." She said slyly.

They finished the movie, and even got into At World's End, which they also finished.

Kimmie wasn't sent home. She was currently standing beside the railings on the side of the boat, staring down and around at the water. She spotted Davy Jones in the water and blinked.

"What… How… Who fricken cares." She hauled him onto the boat with Teara's help, and gave him a towel that she also pulled from her back pocket. Serious Sam would've been proud.

Jack walked over, "What are ye doing, Lass… OMG." Who knew that even Jack Sparrow knew the term 'OMG?'

Kimmie calmly slapped Davy's ass, making him turn red in irritation, or maybe embarrassment.

"I'm keeping Davy for the sake of comedy relief. And because of his ass. And his tentacles." She added in a murmur, "Anyway, where to next, milord?" She asked Jack.

"Well, first of all, we're THROWING HIM OFF BOARD!"

"What's the matter, Jack? Scared of ol' Davy?"

"Alright, _pussy-lickers_." Kimmie cut in, "Dad… DAVY is with me."

"Did ye just…?" Jack began uncertainly.

"SHUT UP, JACK! YOU'RE ABOUT THREE SECONDS FROM GETTING MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS!" She shrieked angrily, "Anyway. I need to get home. Jack needs to die if I'm ever going to get home. So, how do we propose going about and killing Jack?"

Davy, wanting to be helpful, shipped in, "W-well you know, we could always just shoot or stab him."

Kimmie nodded, pulling a notepad and pencil from her back pocket, and taking notes, "Would he still go to your locker if we did that?"

Davy shrugged, "I've never tried it before." Kimmie nodded, jotting things down.

Jack spoke up, "Might I ask why we're conspiring to kill me?"

"Because I need to go home. I thought I already said that."

"I get no say?"

"Unless you're going to be helping me think of ways to kill you then shut the fuck up."

She paused, thinking for a moment before turning to Jack, "Hey, do you think that maybe Tia Dalma AKA Calypso could help me get home?" Davy Jones seemed to pale, if that was possible.

Jack thought for a moment, "Well, she can do pretty much everything else. Maybe she can also send ye home, lass."

Kimmie smiled, "I suppose I could give her Davy's heart in exchange. I'm sure that'll only make things more awkward than anything else in all the world."

And so, the idiots set off on a new adventure.

_**Pirates of the Caribbean; Awkward Times**_

And so, our real journey begins…


	2. Possibly Having to Choke a Bitch

Oh yea, I forgot to mention... I don't actually do drugs and drink alcohol. I probably won't for a couple of years now, and even when I do I won't get into the habit. I promise. Anyway, I just wanted you guys to know that my parents don't neglect me. I hope that you've enjoyed the story so far! Sorry for making the first chapter so effing long. I got lazy and didn't want to make individual chapters. I kinda wrote all of the first chapter in one go. Plus, this chapter is really short. Sorry again. Its kind of a bridge. Next chapter, we will introduce the most awkward amounts of tension ever known to mankind! :D

* * *

The amount of tension on the Black Pearl was ridiculous, and was actually starting to unnerve Kimmie. She was sick and tired of having to snap and snarl at Davy for picking on Jack, and having to punch him for whatever he had done wrong, and having to pick on him… Okay, she picked on him anyway, but that was another story.

Teara had disappeared again, but that was because Kimmie had stopped imagining him there. She still had uber strong strength though, because she could always do that.

"CAPTAIN, GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW, BITCH!"

Both Davy Jones and Jack Sparrow arrived on the spot, both recalling the title 'Captain.'

"Ye ain't captain of my ship, Davy!" Jack snapped irritably. Kimmie smacked him hard, and he pointed his gun at her again.

"Shoot me. I fucking dare you, you worthless pile of shit." She said, her voice icier than an icicle.

Jack put his gun away, "It's not worth shootin' ye over." He said, thinking of how his crew would react if he shot her again.

Kimmie smirked, "Yea, its not worth getting your ass kicked over, is it?" She said, "Anyway, I have gathered you all here today to announce the platonic love of these two gentlemen who aren't really gentlemen and are actually scurvy-ridden, idiotic, sometimes fugly pirates." She paused for a moment, thinking of what else to say, "Anyway, who cares. Make up. Your both friends now, and if you don't stop fighting, then I'm going to throw BOTH your asses over board."

Jack turned to her, "Ye really think ye have that kind of strength, do ye now, lass?

Kimmie punched him across the face, ending him stumbling a few feet. Blood dripped from his mouth and he groaned, before turning to face her with a smile.

"That ain't nothin', lass." He said with a bloody grin. Kimmie turned and punched Davy Jones in the face so hard he nearly toppled over board.

"If I can't make you bled and nearly send him over board, then what makes you think that I can't beat your ass to a pulp and throw you over board?" Jack chewed his nasty tongue for a moment before turning around and walking off.

"GET YOUR PANSY LITTLE ASS BACK HERE, YOU FUCKING JERK!" Jack turned to face her, and shook his head and turned back around to walk away, but Teara appeared in front of him.

"I suggest you return to your original post, _bitch_." Teara said, his voice a low growl. Jack tried to go around him, and failed, and ended up making the 'I-have-been-defeated' walk back over to Kimmie and Davy.

"You two are not going to fight anymore. Agreed?" Jack was about to said something, but Kimmie started cracking her knuckles, a deathly evil glare in her eyes.

"We'll stop fighting."

"He's crossing his fingers." Teara spoke up from behind him.

"Don't be a tattle-tale!" Jack said with a weird sort of 'I-Am-Honestly-An-Adult' pout. Kimmie kicking him in the shins, and he grunted in pain.

"Stop being a bitch. You and Davy are going to stop fighting. Savvy?"

Jack immediately spoke up, "That's my catch-"

"STFU." Kimmie cut in easily, "ARE YOU TWO GOING TO STOP FIGHTING OR AM I GOING TO HAVE TO CHOKE A BITCH?!" She screamed at them.

They saluted her, "Yes, Sir-Ma'am!"

"At ease, soldiers. Be on your merry ways." With that, she slapped Davy's ass and then molested Jack balls before walking away to find something interesting to do with herself.


	3. Slapping A Bitch, Not Choking One Though

After fighting with Davy for about twenty minutes and forcing him into a dinghy, and then beating up Jack so that _he_ would get in the dinghy with Davy, and then making them stay put and not fight, they set off down the river to Calypso's love shack.

Kimmie walked up calmly and knocked on the door. It wasn't answered within three seconds, so she started screaming.

"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR! ITS FREEZING AND I DIDN'T BRING MY HOODIE, YOU OLD HAG!" The door opened instantaneously, and a sour-looking expression was given to Kimmie. She smiled sweetly, and turned to face the two men that were starting to argue in the dinghy.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE!" She roared furiously, "STOP FIGHTING DAD… DAVY!"

Calypso started are her, "Did you just call him D-…"

"SHUT UP CALYPSO! YOUR ABOUT THREE SECONDS FROM GETTING MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS!"

Davy and Jack got out of the small boat, and appeared beside Kimmie. They all met eyes for a long moment.

"Davy Jones…" Calypso said softly, a small smile appearing on her lips, "What are you doing on dry land?"

Davy Jones shrugged indifferently, "God only knows why I haven't already killed myself."

Kimmie randomly slapped Davy's ass, and turned back to Calypso, "So, yea. In compensation for sending me home with magic, I'm gonna give you Davy's heart to do what ever the hell you want with. Its not like he's gonna use it for anything." She handing the small chest to Calypso, and she calmly received the gift and turned back to walk into her shack-home.

"You seem to have these two men on a leash, Kimmie." She said with a sly smile. Kimmie shrugged as she followed the witch, not really attempting to give a fuck that Calypso knew her name.

"Yes, I do."

"Ye'll never control me!" Jack said with a huff, "I'm still captain! I send out the orders!"

Kimmie whirled around, "WHO THE FUCK WAS TALKING TO YOU, IDIOT!? SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH FOR ONCE!" She punched him in the face again, he stumbled into Davy, and the two of them toppled to the floor. Jack pulled himself into a sitting position, and found himself straddling Davy Jones. Davy was staring at him angrily, and Jack had never been so humiliated and pale in all his life.

Calypso smiled and chuckled before breaking out into hysterical laughter.

"Oh, ha ha." Jack said, standing up and brushing gunk from his clothes that had come from Davy's ominous gooey body that isn't really all that ominous now that I think about it.

Jack was eying something on the table, and reached to take it; a really good-looking necklace. Kimmie whirled around and slapped him.

"STOP STEALING HER SHIT! YOU DON'T NEED ANYMORE GODDAMN ACCESSORIES!" She screamed at him, her insults brutal as ever, "WHAT ARE YOU, A KLEPTOMANIAC?"

Jack shrank back and practically walked off to hide in a corner and be miserable. Davy Jones glanced at him and raised his nonexistent eyebrows before turning back to the task at hand; getting Calypso to send Kimmie home before he went crazy and killed himself.

"So, you're not from this time, and you want to go back home because you promised your boyfriend that you would spend the night at his house this weekend, and you've already missed seven promised spend-the-night dates?" Calypso repeated Kimmie slowly, a smile on her lips, "Girl, you gotta get home, I agree, but for a spell of that caliber, I need a few things…"

"BULLSHIT. SEND ME HOME RIGHT NOW! IF YOU NEED SOMETHING THEN SUMMON IT WITH MAGIC!" Kimmie suddenly shrieked, slammed her fist on a table and cracking it in half. Calypso's smile disappeared.

"Girl, you said you wanted to go home. If you really want something you'll work for it." She said, handing Kimmie a piece of paper with a bunch of ingredients on it, "Get me these and I will send you home."

Kimmie suddenly pulled back her hand and bitch-slapped Calypso across the face, "YOU'RE THE WORST WITCH EVER! COMPLETELY USELESS! I OUGHT TO JUST MAKE DAVY DO IT! AT LEAST I CAN TRUST HIM WITH A TASK!" She screamed, before turning around and stalking off towards the door. She grabbed Jack's and Davy's wrists on the way out and dragged them along, "I will get your stupid ingredients, and you will send me home," she said, "If you don't then, Goddess or not, I will FUCKING KILL YOU." With that, she disappeared out the door and returned to the dinghy. Only seconds later, Mr. Gibbs was rowing them back to the pearl and Kimmie was habitually still holding on to Davy and Jack, and was crushing their bones at this point.

"Ye find me trustworthy?" Davy said slowly, "Why in the world do ye find me trustworthy?"

"I don't know," Kimmie said, "You seem a lot more reliable and nice compared to, say, Calypso and Jack. That could just be my weird preference for textbook 'bad guys' talking, or it could be my true and honest idea. I like Davy because he's romantic and he's fun to tease." She blanched, "Blech, I sound like a lovey dovey romantic retard. I think I hate myself now."

"Could ye let me go now, Lass?" Jack spoke, his voice a bit meek. Kimmie jumped slightly and glanced at her hands. She was, indeed crushing their bones at this point. Acting quickly, she let go.

She inspected the bruises for a moment, before speaking. "I didn't actually break them, but they might possibly be a tad bit cracked. Can you move your hands?" They move their arms around calmly, and while it was clear that it was a bit painful, they could move them.

"Okay, yea. That might just be a bone bruise, but it could also be a crack in the bone. Just like, don't shot any guns, don't punch boulders, and uh… don't move them around too much. I'll wrap them when we get back. Gina taught me to wrap wrists just a few days ago."

"Gina?"

"My older sister." Kimmie clarified for them calmly.

"…How old are you?" Jack suddenly asked.

"Too young for you to have sex with." She said, her voice still a bit annoyed.

"I wasn't going to ask you for that!" Jack said defiantly.

Kimmie turned to stare at him icily, "I'm fifteen. What were you going to ask me, then?"

Jack paled again, "Nothing, ma'am." She turned back around and cracked her wrists, then her neck, then her knuckles, and then her back. Davy and Jack stared in absolute amazement

"Holy crap." Kimmie said, "That was a loud one." She let out a loud belch and yawned. She had fewer manners then the actual pirates!

Kimmie checked the list of things that she needed to get. It was ridiculous.

1 heart (easy)

1 fang of a beast (easier)

3 phoenix feather (Where the hell am I supposed to find THAT!?)

3 gallons of water from Spirit's Well (...Spirits what?

Needless this journey was going to take a bit of time. Goddamn that stupid witch.

* * *

As smellycake3 guessed, I plan on making Davy do something.. interesting... ahem for Kimmie. It'll be weird and strange, maybe romantic, maybe idiotic. Who knows? You'll have to wait and find out! I promise that your request will be fulfilled...

Anyway, more slowness. I apologize for my incompetence. This is sort of another bridge for the next couple of chapters. I'm sorry that they're so short. But seriously, I'm plannign something extremely interesting for the next chapter or couple of chapters.


	4. The Munchies

They returned to the boat and Kimmie immediately summoned Teara. She walked to him with a sword that she had stolen from Jack without his knowledge and handed it to him.

"I need a heart. I'm sure you can get it out yourself." She said calmly. Teara smirked and shanked himself through the chest. He pulled out his heart and handed it to Kimmie. She held out a plastic bag that she had stuffed in her pocket for no particular reason before she had arrived in the movie, and Teara dropped the organ into the bag. She tied it shut and started pacing.

"Okay, we just need a fang of an animal now. Anyone got a cat or a dog?" She asked Davy calmly. The squid-man stared at her and shook his head slowly. She shrugged, deciding that they could do that part later.

"We need to go find some island to hang out at while we find this crap. Anyone know where we can find Phoenixes and a Spirits Well?" No one said anything. Kimmie found a map of the world in her back pocket universe and stared at it for a long moment, tilting her head this way and that to look for an island that said "Spirit's Island" over top of it.

Jack and Davy appeared beside her and stared at the map with her, muttering suggestions and places that might possibly have the Spirit's Well in them.

"Well, at any rate, let's just dock at an uninhabited island for a while and find some animal to kill." She said, rolling the map up and stuffing it into her universe. She snatched Jack's telescope from him and extended it out and stared in some random direction. She spotted what looked like an uninhabited island.

"Okay, we're going to that island right there, okay?" She said to Jack, "You're the captain, tell them what to do!"

"What if I don't want to?" Jack said with a 'look'.

Kimmie responded to his 'look' with a "LOOK" and said, "Then I get to chop off your balls and strangle you with them." Jack shuddered and started sending out orders to the folks of his boat.

Davy stared at her from the far side of the boat from her. She was tough, that was for sure, and she gave off a strange feeling. It was weird, needless to say. It wasn't really a vibe that said 'I hate you.' But rather a vibe that said, 'I'm having fun.' She turned around, and he watched at the most amazingly giddy smile appeared on her face. She walked over to the very front of the ship and stared out at the sea, her eyes closed as she enjoyed the feeling of the sea breeze against her face. She was a girl, and even though her attitude screamed 'tomboy', she was still a girl. She enjoyed her femininity, and she enjoyed things like shopping (maybe) and she probably liked being treated like a princess and being treated to gifts and nice things.

"I'm…" He heard her said as her hands reached for her stomach. She suddenly blanched, "I'm hungry…" Her voice suddenly sounded pitiful and tired and weak. He had never seen someone go so pale.

Understanding her situation quickly, he walked off to go and find Jack. The mistress was hungry, and she was probably about to get violent.

"Jack." Davy's voice cut into Jack's thoughts and the man turned to face him.

"What is it?"

"The wench is hungry and I am assuming that she'll get very violent soon."

"GET ME SOMETHING TO EAT BEFORE I KILL ALL OF YOU!" Her scream echoed throughout the ship. She was looking for them.

Jack paled, and so did Davy somehow. They turned to the door just in time to see it slam open.

Kimmie stood there, her face pale and her stomach grumbling. "If you don't get me something to eat, I'm going to chop you up and have you for dinner." She said, her voice icy. She fell against the wall and moaned as her stomach began to eat her insides.

Jack jumped to his feet, even though he was already standing and he and Davy bolted out the door and find some food for their mistress.

"Why are we helping her anyway?"

"The faster we get rid of her the sooner we can kill each other." Davy clarified with his weird and certainly not American accent.

They arrived at the kitchen that didn't really exist on pirate ships and made her some food. They served the table and Jack went to find her while Davy guarded the food.

By this point, she was curled up in a ball and she was suffering dearly. The crew was standing around her, unsure of what to do as she screamed for Jack and Davy to get her food.

"I'M HUNGRY! DAVY, JACK! GET ME FOOD, BEFORE I GO FUCKING CRAZY AND KILL EVERYONE ON THIS DAMN SHIP!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. Jackk appeared and helped her to her feet. She hadn't eaten much of anything in the past two days. She felt impossibly light, and Jack was actually concerned. He took her to the kitchen/dining room area and sat her down.

She stared at the food like it was Jesus, and only seconds later, she was eating it as if it had been cooked by Jesus.

"Oh my God, thank you guys so much! I was so hungry! Mmmm this is so fucking delicious oh my God oh my God…" She managed to say between bites as she gobbled all of it down. She even drank the full glass of water, but left the rum because she wasn't about to get drunk. Plus, she wasn't allowed to drink yet. She handed to cup of rum to Jack, who enjoyed it thoroughly. Once she was finished, she jumped and hugged Davy like he had just saved from death. Well, he had, actually.

"Thanks… I guess I should be treating you guys to something now, too, huh? What do you guys want me to do for today?"

The word 'today' was giving the most interesting possibilities for them. Before Jack could suggest something, Davy Jones spoke up, his voice sounding almost sympathetic.

"Just be a bit more happy and cheerful from now on." Davy said, "That's enough for the both of us." Jack was about to speak up, but Davy kicked him. Kimmie smiled warmly.

"Thanks again, you two." She took them back up onto the deck, and everyone swarmed her.

"Are you okay!?" They all asked in unison. She blinked, and smiled more broadly.

"I made you all worry, didn't I? I'm sorry; I was just really really really really really hungry. That's all," She said, adding way more reallys than necessary.

They had almost reached their destination, but it was getting late. Kimmie hadn 't been to bed at all in the past day and a half, so she was tired. The food helped.

She ended up sharing a room with Jack and Davy, who found it more than awkward to sleep in the same room with her. They both knew that trying anything would get them killed, so they couldn't do anything. It was dangerous, but they made it through the night without anyone getting killed.


	5. We Have Your Pants, We Want Your Shirts

Jack's eyes eased open and the first thing he noticed was the strange chill around his groin area. He looked down at himself, and noticed that he was blanket-less, pants-less, and shrunken. He turned beet red and grabbed a pillow to cover mini-Jack up. He wasn't sure why he was feeling so bashful, but he was. He quickly turned to Kimmie, and spotted his pants, safely nuzzled against her chest. Kimmie was also spooning with Davy Jones.

_WHAT. THE. FUCK._ Was all Jack could think as he watched the two practical lovers sleeping comfortably together. He wondered why Kimmie didn't seem to mind the sliminess against her back at all. He shrugged, and crawled over to get his pants. This was going to be an adventure; that was for sure.

He reached his hand forward and grasped the fabric of his pants, tugging gently to pull them from Kimmie's grasp. Those were his favorite pants. He couldn't afford to lose them. Plus, he wasn't about to get up and walk around the room with no pants on and risk Kimmie waking up in the middle of it. That would be uber awkward.

He pulled at the fabric, and Kimmie was steadily dragged forward. She had tightened her grip to the point that he couldn't pull his pants from her hands. He continued to pull, hoping that she would go slack and let go, but she didn't. In fact, she groaned and pulled back. The pants slipped from his hands and Kimmie's elbow shot back. Jack could only stare as Kimmie elbowed Davy in the ribs extremely hard. The squid jerked rather violently and opened his eyes blearily, groaning something irritated.

"Whossat?" He mumbled, rubbing his eyes sleepily, "Wha's goin' on?"

Finally, he organized his brain and looked up at pants-less Jack. He blinked, and then jerked his head towards Kimmie, and indicated his own pants. Jack nodded solemnly, and Davy nodded in understanding.

Davy reached around and grasped the fabric of Jack's pants firmly, and started to pull. He jerked his head forward, indicating Jack to try to move Kimmie's arms away from the pants.

Suddenly she opened her eyes and sat up. Both men instantly let go of their efforts. She threw the pants at Jack and rolled over to face Davy, quickly falling back asleep and mumbling something that they barely understood.

"Why'm pants warm…"

Jack, by this point, had put his pants back on, and was leaving the room. He glanced over his shoulder, and caught Davy staring not quite stonily at Kimmie. It looked empty to the naked eye, but sly, wise Jack recognized the look, as he had seen it many times in Will's and Elizabeth's eyes.

_Surely he isn't… no, he isn't. Oh god, I hope he isn't._ Jack thought shutting his eyes and riding unpleasant hentai images from his mind.

Jack left his cabin and walked up on deck to shout orders and wake people up at obscene hours and the likes. They would dock at the island and find an animal to kill. They would maybe find civilization, and maybe even get lucky enough to find the way to Spirit's Island, that's where you wanna go to get away from it all. Bodies in the sand, tropical drink melting in your hand.

_No, now isn't the time to be singing Beach Boys._ Jack thought seriously, _I need to get her out of here before I go crazy and Davy Jones does something irrational and reckless._

About half an hour later, Kimmie had wakened up and they were on the island. Jack led the way, as he was captain, and so far, they hadn't come across any animals. It was probably because Jack and his crew were so damn loud.

"Okay, whoever's hand keep touching my ass is just about ready to be pulled off." Kimmie said. She felt the person again and whirled around, her hand on their wrist and gripping tighter by the second.

"If you know what's good for you, you'll walk in front of me." She said, her voice icy with venom and killer intent and horrible things like that.

After walking for nearly twenty minutes and not getting very far, they came to a sort of clearing. If they wanted to continue they needed to cross a river. There were large, flat stepping stone that went all the way across the river. While they were indeed visible, it would be difficult to cross them. They were nearly half a foot under the water. It was probably high tide for this place.

Jack started forward calmly, smiling brightly, "C'mon lads, lass! We're not going to find that beast if we don't cross this river!" He caught sight of Kimmie as she started past him. Her face was deathly pale, and almost a light shade of olive. She looked as if she was going to vomit. He could see that her palm were sweaty as she clenched and unclenched them, and he could see how her breathing seemed unsteady and strained.

A thought came to his mind, but he highly doubted that was the case. No one could be afraid of water. It was probably just that she was nervous. Maybe she was allergic to something.

They started across the river, Kimie in front, Jack second, Davy third, and Mr. Gibbs fourth. The rest of the crew didn't matter. Jack was joking around and teasing Kimmie mercilessly as they crossed the wide river, but she was effectively ignoring, speaking only once to tell him that if he didn't stop teasing her, she was going to 'fucking strangle [him] and kick the fuck out of [his] corpse.' He hadn't slowed down in his jokes though, even at that threat. She looked and sounded a lot weaker, so he felt as if he had the upper hand there.

Suddenly, he grabbed her shoulder, pulling a startled shriek from Kimmie's mouth. She whirled around to hit him, but lost her footing. One of her feet slipped off the rock, quickly followed by the rest of her. They were at the middle point of the river. It was deep, and the current was powerful

_She'll be fine; there ain't no one in this world who can't swim._ He said confidently. He heard a strangled scream, and glanced over at her. She was crying, screaming, and thrashing about in a wild panic.

"JACK! DAVY! HELP! I CAN'T SWIM! I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE!" She screamed, sinking under water, only to suddenly resurface and continue to thrash.

"Jack! What did ye do!?" Mr. Gibbs shouted at him, "She can't swim!"

"I didn't know that!"

"AHHHHHH!!!" Her scream was piercing as she began to inhale water.

"Now isn't the time to argue about it, idiots!" Davy Jones snarled, jumping into the water after her. He was the ruler of the sea. No one could swim better than he could.

The currents help him in swimming after her, but that didn't change the fact that she was indeed drowning. He watched as she sunk under water yet again, and was pulled into the under current.

_Sonova-..._ He said rather calmly, _Stop being a bitch, water._

He sped up, using all his tentacle-ee powers to swim after her. He would catch her, which was definite. After all, she was the main character of this particular fanfiction. She wasn't even permitted to die.

… … … …

Jack waited anxiously with the rest of the crew as Davy resurfaced with Kimmie hanging onto his shoulder, crying and shaking like a leaf from the cold. He pulled her onto the shore and put her down. Only second later, she had attacked Jack, tears streaming from her eyes as she relentlessly slapped and punched him in the chest. He hits were weak and pitiful though. It was pretty pathetic and wasn't even worth mentioned. The slaps might leave red marks, but that was fine. He had been shot several times, stabbed and many other unmentionable things. This was nothing.

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! WHY WOULD YOU THROW SOMEONE IN THE WATER IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER OR NOT THEY COULD SWIM!?" She screamed, blasting everyone's eardrums, "I've already almost drowned twice! I'm hydrophobic! I know you saw how unhealthy I looked when I started crossing! The reason I wanted to go first was so that if I fell, you'd be able to catch me! BUT INSTEAD YOU AND YOUR STUPID ASS THROW ME IN THE FUCKING WATER!"

Jack sat up, and Kimmie nearly fell off of him, but he grasped her wrist so that she couldn't fall, "I apologize, lass… I wasn't thinking. I assumed that you could swim, because I don't know anyone who would dare hang out on a boat if they couldn't swim."

"I trust you and Davy," Kimmie mumbled, "That's why I'm not afraid to be on that boat. I trust that, if I fall in the water, you'll come and get me. But I guess I can only trust one of the two of you, huh?" She said, her voice angry na hurt as she stood up and started off by herself.

Davy and Jack watched her go. It was clear that Jack was injured deeply by her words, and that he was truly sorry for accidentally pushing her into the water. It hadn't been on purpose, but assuming that someone as young as she wouldn't get hurt or almost drown when pushed into a river was as close to playing with people's lives as he would ever get (hopefully).

* * *

Author's Note:

I apologize for taking so long to update! I had to add some dramam somewhere. Things will get interesting from here, but they will stay relatively funny. I promise that I'm not going to turn this into a strict Harlequin romance. That would be hella boring. There will be funny parts, sad parts, and all around interesting things. If this was strict crack, you'd bget bored, right? So I have to have drama so that plots and ideas for later will make sense.

Yes, I really have almost drowned twice. Once when I was five, and once just last summer. I have become pretty much hydrophobic. It isn't so bad that I can't stand water, but it it bad enough that I can't swim because I can't keep my body from tensing up.

Anyway, I hope you like this chapter! More drama and silliness(maybe) in the next chapter!


	6. Taken Was An Amazing Movie

Kimmie stalked through the forest, furious with herself for showing such weakness. Her fists were clenched tightly and her eyes were watering. She pulled back her hand and slapped herself hard. She continued on, trudging through the forest. This island was clearly uninhabited; she would be fine on her own.

_I probably just jinxed myself, but I don't care right now. _She thought relatively calmly. Eventually, Jack and Davy would come after her, and find her, and things would be awkward but okay for a while.

She heard a rustling in the bushes, and jumped slightly. She turned to glance around herself and continued walking. If she was killed, then oh well. That would be Jack's burden to bear. The jerk would have to live with it.

"What are ya doin out here, lass?" An unfamiliar voice spoke up, catching her divided attention. She turned to glance over her shoulder, but didn't stop walking.

"I'm sulking, to be perfectly honest." She said to the man coolly as she continued on.

The man look completely put off by this. She wasn't afraid of him. His spirits were crushed.

"What are you doing out here, pirate?" She said as she slowed to a stop, "Am I trespassing? Should I leave? Or did you want something?"

The man smirked slightly, "This be private property, lass," he said, "Property of me self, Mandovi Chardonnay."

"Oh, I'm sorry then." Kimmie turned around, "I'll go back." She turned on her heel and started back in the direction that she had originally come from. Mandovi grabbed her wrist as she passed by. She turned to face him with an empty stare that seemed to pierce the pirate's very soul.

"Davy Jones will be very angry with you if you don't let me go," She said, "He will rip your heart out and have it for lunch, but only after he burns you alive."

Mandovi smirked, "I already know that Davy Jones be on this island, lass. I watched him rescue you. There's something that he has that I want; your going to be the bait." He started off, dragging her along mercilessly.

_Kidnapped… He's kidnapping me… But Davy will come for me, because he at least cares._ She thought, instantly realizing just how spiteful she was being. She thought about her comments towards Jack. A sudden pang of guilt burst forth in her chest and tears welled up in her eyes again. She had blatantly told him that she hated him without actually saying so. He probably hated her, and had left her on this island alone. She hiccupped and Mandovi turned to glance at her, a smirk on his face.

"Scared, lass?"

"No… I have nothing to be afraid of. Why I'm upset has nothing to do with you." She mumbled softly as she was pulled along. Mandovi looked disappointed, but she didn't really care. Hopefully, Jack wasn't angry with her… Hopefully, he wouldn't apologize, because if anyone needed to say sorry, it was Kimmie.

… … … …

"Kimmie!" Mr. Gibbs called through the forest. Jack was walking behind them, his hands clasped in front of him as he twiddled his thumbs. He had hurt her, and she was angry with him. She probably hated him; Jack wondered why he was bothering to go and get her. She probably didn't want to even see him.

"Where are you, ye damn wench." Davy Jones murmured, glancing over at Jack icily. The Sparrow seemed to shrink away from the squid's harsh gaze. They had been walking for nearly ten minutes, searching for the missing teen, and there was still no sign of her. Where in the world could she have gone? Jack had sent half the crew to check the Pearl and see if she had returned to that, but they hadn't returned. They were probably either fighting over the ship, or trying to find their way back.

They could hear a lot of voices, and angry shrieks that were easily recognized as Kimmie's. They started walking faster, as her cries where sounding more and more frantic and furious.

They walked into a clearing of pirates, and stood there for several minutes, staring at them stonily. Kimmie was sitting in a chair, tied up and screaming bloody murder.

"UNTIE ME YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!" She screamed, "Oh, hi guys." She stared at the small group of pirates that had appeared out of freakin nowhere.

Everyone in the group of Chardonnay pirates turned to face the group that had appeared to rescue Kimmie.

"Bugger." Jack said calmly, "I thought this island was uninhabited."

Davy nodded, "It is uninhabited. They arrived here today." He said calmly, "Mandovi Chardonnay; he's been following me around for a long time now, and I've been effectively ignoring him."

Mandovi walked forward, and appeared a few feet away from Davy. A sneer was on his face and he looked like he thought he had succeeded in doing something.

"You still have something that I want, Davy Jones."

Davy Jones raised his eyebrow-bones, "You mean the kiss? The hug? Or do you still want that wine that I promised you?"

Mandovi's eye twitched, "The WINE, you jerk!" He snapped. Davy Jones reached into his jacket and pulled out a large bottle of Mandovi Chardonnay. He held it out for Mandovi to grab, but pulled it out of reach just as he reached for it.

"Let go of the wench first."

"WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU ABOUT CALLING ME A WENCH, DAVY!? I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"

Davy ignored her words, frightening as they were, and stared hard at Mandovi. Finally, the pirate nodded, and snapped his fingers. The crew untied Kimmie, who stood up and stretched. She cracked her back calmly and turned around. She started walking in the opposite direction of her posse.

"Oi!" Davy called as he handed Mandovi the wine and took off after his mistress. Mr. Gibbs followed him closely, but no one noticed the other thing.

"Where are ye going?" Davy asked as he finally caught with Kimmie. She glanced at him, a tired look on her face.

"Jack is probably still angry with me… And I wasn't finished looking for that beast." She suddenly stopped in her tracks, "Wasn't Jack with you?"

Davy stopped alongside her, and turned around to look for the Sparrow, "He was, indeed." A long silence enveloped the group.

"THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE KIDNAPPED HIM!!!" Kimmie screamed, turning on her heel and sprinting back the way she'd come. They had walked a good while; by now, Jack might just be on a ship.

_Where is he!?_ She thought frantically, panic arising in her chest. She wasn't about to be responsible for the death of a friend. That was too much. She was already guilty of hurting him.

_If you die, I will fucking kill you.  


* * *

_

Author's Note:

More uber short chapters! My deepest apologies for the uber lameness... I'm not going to make any excuses other than the fact that I'm having Uber Half-Assed Writers Block.

Anyway, another interestingly dramatic adventure with Kimmie! I'm not quite sure what the Chardonnay's are going to do with Jack now that they have him, so suggestions are more than welcomed. Hopefully, the next chapter will be longer, funnier, and a bit more interesting. This one was not at all funny, I must admit. I'll have to make up for it.

I 3 YOU!


	7. Near, Far, Where Ever You Are

Jack blearily opened his eyes and went to move, but something was restraining him. There was a light breeze going up the pants that he didn't seem to be wearing. His silk smooth, shaven legs were exposed to the cruel weathering of the _world_. It was blasphemy. Blasphemy, I say! Jack, upon deciding that he was awake enough to be able to stomach what he was about to look at, glanced down at his beautiful body to figure out A) what the reason for the breeze was and B) why he couldn't move.

To clear up A, he was wearing a French maid outfit, and his legs were tied in such a way that they were spread apart a bit. So basically, his penis was cold. That made him feel sad.

To clear up B, as above mentioned, he was tied up. Securely. That was an understatement. He felt like a freakin' bondage slave. That's how well he was tied up. Luckily, his mouth wasn't covered.

"Bugger." That was all he wanted to say, but still. The door was flung open, and the man standing in the doorway, dressed up like a dominatrix and holding a leather whip, was none other than Mandovi Chardonnay. The man was smiling sadistically, and Jack could feel his penis recoil up into his body like a turtle into its shell.

Hurray for metaphors.

Jack opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it once more to actually speak; "I'm sure we can work something out without any violence, mate." He said with a forced grin. Mandovi laughed heartily.

"There'll be no need for negotiations, Jackie!" Jack winced at the name only his father was allowed to call him, and tried to at least prolong his torture.

"W-well, I'm sure I could find someone more suitable…?" He said quickly as Mandovi began to approach, "Like… Like… Uh… uh… uhh…" He thought hard and fast of some gorgeous guy, and couldn't think of any. He kept trying though.

Then, it hit him; of _course_! Why didn't he think of that before!?

"Ah! How about Beckett?" He said quickly, "Lord Beckett! He's a handsome one, and his teeth aren't rotten like mine!"

Mandovi thought for a moment, but shrugged, "Beckett is God knows where, and you're right here, in a French Maid Outfit. Who do you think I'm going to lean towards?"

"What about Davy?!"

Mandovi shook his head, "Davy is only a childhood crush. We went to a Pirate Boarding School together. That's all."

"I met Davy at a boarding school."

"Flo Rida's Pirate Boarding School for Kids that Need to Get Cavities for Their Futures as Pirates?"

"That's the one."

"Okay, enough chat. I'm going to hump you now."

Jack frowned deeply, wishing that that conversation had distracted Mandovi long enough for Davy and Kimmie to nearly have arrived, and mentally resigned himself to his fate.

… … … …

By now, Kimmie was aboard the Black Pearl, screaming at people like a crazy person; "THE SHIP IS RIGHT FUCKING THERE. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO TO GET OVER THERE, JUST GET OVER THERE!!" She shrieked at the top of her lungs, before turning on Davy.

"Tell them what to do; I'm not a captain, and I don't know how to speak Pirate-ese. You're the substitute captain, Davy Jones. I'm trusting you." She pointed directly northwest, and Davy spotted the ship easily and nodded.

"I get it, lass," He said, "We'll get there, we'll get Jack, and we'll get out."

The younger girl nodded approvingly, "That's what I like to hear."

They turned to ship westward and started off, moving around the large rocks and heading for Mandovi's ship, not quite aptly named Pinot Noir, which just so happens to be a kind of red wine. Chardonnay is a white wine.

Kimmie walked to the front of the ship, staring over the edge. Davy Jones came up behind her.

"Close your eyes," he whispered in her ear. She smiled softly and obeyed. He grasped her hips and lifted her into the air as a sunset shone brightly, coloring the sky with pinks and purples and oranges.

"I feel like I'm flying!" She said, laughing happily.

Suddenly, reality came back.

"Okay, put me down." Davy obeyed and walked off to give more orders, leaving Kimmie to be herself. She stared out at the vast ocean, hoping that Jack was all right. It was clear to her that Mandovi was gay. By now, Jack could be…

She decided to put a halt to her thoughts right there. They continued to wander anyway as yaoi plots started to pop up in her mind. She made a face and slapped herself.

"Snap out of it, ya' schlep!" She snapped at herself. She paused for a moment before placing a hand on her injured cheek, "That fucking hurt."

… … … …

Jack looked up with a sour expression on his face as he heard loud shrieks and angry roars of his crewmen and Davy Jones and Kimmie. They were on the ship. Mandovi didn't seem to notice, as he had loud music playing. Ciara, it sounded like.

_Come enjoy the life, baby you and I, can have a good time…_

Mandovi was giving him a lap dance, and Jack had to say he wasn't enjoying it. He squirmed awkwardly as Mandovi rolled his hips around as an amateur would.

The door slammed open and Jack's sour expression became sourer (Microsoft made me turn 'more sour' into 'sourer'. Wtf). Mandovi turned around, and stared emptily at Davy Jones and Kimmie.

"W-Why… Why would you do this to me? Its not like I don't already imagine perverted things like this. I didn't want to have to witness it first hand with a couple of gross pirates that don't know the meaning of hygiene." Kimmie said, her voice about as happy as Jack's expression.

Mandovi stood up and walked over to them. He pulled a gun out of his ass, and held it up to shoot them.

"Do it; I fucking dare you." Kimmie growled, her voice lower than a slut's jeans. Mandovi considered the possibilities for a moment, before firing.

Kimmie, wonderful, adorable, unsuspecting Kimmie, didn't see this coming, and didn't exactly have enough time to imagine Teara appearing and saving her. The bullet went through her chest, just above her heart, and she collapsed to the ground, unable to speak for several seconds before a piercing scream rang through everyone's ears.

The blood streamed from the wound like a fountain, and the only thing Kimmie could do to slow the bleeding was lean forward and then press her hand over the injury.

Davy's eyes were shadowed by his captain hat, but his rage was obvious. He pulled out his own gun and shot Mandovi in the heart three times, and then in the head four times. The man collapsed in an instant. Davy crouched down beside Kimmie, who mumbled something to him.

"I… I'm f-fine… Get Jack…" The pain was overwhelming her easily, as she collapsed to her side, unconscious.

Moving quickly, Davy threw a dagger at Jack, slicing through the ropes that were binding his arms without actually injuring the man.

"Get yourself together." With that, he picked up Kimmie and strode outside, calling for prompt medical attention. Mr. Gibbs, thankfully, knew what to do (as Kimmie had taught him how to treat wounds with what she remembered from her sister), and easily treated the injury. Luckily, the bullet had gone through, and there was very little internal damage. The only thing they needed to do was sew it up and wrap it with gauze.

They returned to the Black Pearl with the crew intact, Jack alright and dressed in his original clothes, and Kimmie alive.

… … … …

"We never got the fang of the beast…." Kimmie mumbled to Jack and Davy as she slowly opened his eyes, "We need to go and get that, don't we?" Davy sighed heavily, and held up a razor sharp fang that had probably come from a tiger or something.

"I ran out and grabbed it while you were sleeping. We're heading for the fountain of youth; that's the most likely location of the Phoenixes."

Kimmie nodded in agreement, closing her eyes again, "I'm hungry."

Jack smiled in exasperation, "We've already prepared breakfast in bed for you." He said, holding a bowl of something delicious under her nose. She opened her eyes and took it from him, a slight upturn of lips on her face.

"I'm sorry…" Jack and Kimmie said in unison.

"I shouldn't have been so careless."

"I shouldn't have been so spiteful."

Kimmie took a sip of the water she had been given and sighed, "Its fine." She said, "It doesn't matter anymore."

It had been a long day, and no one wanted to be awake anymore. The moment she had finished eating, Kimmie had placed her bowl on the bedside table, rolled over onto her side to face them, and closed her eyes.

Jack left silently, leaving Davy Jones alone with the sleeping girl. She reached out in her slumber, and grasped his clawed arm. Within seconds, he had been turned into a human, and she was holding his hand. She opened one eyes and smirked.

"You're going to be Davy Jones at a much younger age from now on, okay? We'll say around twenty." she said slyly, "And you're going to be human, because I prefer you this way. But I'll be nice; if you want to change back for one reason or another, you can."

Davy Jones gave her an incredulous stare, before chuckling lightly. He reached up with his free hand and brushed his semi-long, dark brown hair out of his face. As she imagined him to be at this age was what he would look like for now.

It wasn't such a bad thing; being young and human.


	8. The Misadventures of FlapTeague

After a day of rest, Kimmie was about to get out of bed and freely venture the ship once more. She had already had breakfast, and was being treated like a queen because she had told to Davy to get Jack before tending to her. Very humble, everyone had said that at least four times.

However, she wasn't really interested in all of that. She walked up to Jack and snatched his compass, opening it up and turning it circles as it turned around to try and decide what Kimmie wanted to most.

It decided on a direction, and Kimmie followed it with her eyes to figure out what it was. It was pointing directly at Davy Jones. She stared at it, and then at him several times before following the arrow over to him.

"Hey," She said, grabbing his shoulder and turning him around.

"Wh-…" She locked lips with him for a moment before pulling away and glancing back at the arrow. It was still pointing at him.

"Oh! You're pointing AROUND Davy!" She stepped around him and following the arrow to the side of the ship. Jack was following her around, wondering what she would come up with.

She leaned over the side of the ship, staring out for a moment before pulling away and taking Jack's telescope. She was staring at nothing; there was nothing out there.

"We're going that way, and no one has any say in the matter." She said to Jack, pointing due southwest.

… … … …

Much to anyone's surprise, they arrived at Shipwreck Cove. It wasn't long before Kimmie was storming through the Cove to the room in which Miss Swann had become the Pirate King. We'll call it the banquet hall from now on.

Barbossa was there, much to Kimmie's surprise (she didn't remember seeing him before).

Soon, she was standing in the hall, Jack on her left side, and Davy on her right and she was looking around the few pirates of Barbossa's ship that happened to be there for the sake of comedy relief in irritation. It was clear to everyone that she was on her last string of patience. She jumped up on the table that was conveniently not being used and following the arrow.

She jumped off on the other side, and stared at it again gritting her teeth together.

"Okay, what the FUCK is over THERE THAT I SEEM TO WANT SO BADLY EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT AWARE OF IT!?!??" She screamed, turning around and punching Jack in the face. He stumbled into Davy, who caught him easily.

"What was that for, wench!?" he roared in fury. Kimmie hit him again, only harder this time.

"BECAUSE THIS COMPASS IS YOURS AND ITS STARTING TO PISS ME OFF!"

"Ye didn't have to HIT ME!"

"WELL I DID! SO SUCK UP AND DEAL WITH IT, BITCH!"

He didn't even question why she hit him the second time; he knew that he wasn't supposed to call her a wench.

She turned back to the compass, and followed it Northeast. Soon she was standing in the shadows, staring at a sleeping man. And asleep he was, but the arrow wasn't point at him.

"Oh, I get it." She said, beckoning Jack and Davy and pointing at the jug, "That's the Spirits water. Maybe this person… oh, it's Teague. Maybe Teague has been there before?"

Jack shrugged, "I dunno."

Kimmie shrugged, and reached for it. A gunshot went off, narrowly missing her face.

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL!? IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO TOUCH IT THEN FUCKING SAY SO YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" She screamed. She was about to hit him, but Jack and Davy both grabbed her arms and pulled her away.

"LET GO OF ME BEFORE I RIP OFF YOUR COCKS AND FEED THEM TO MY CAT!" They released her quickly, and she stood there, panting heavily.

"Okay, if you're going to do it that way." She growled, pulling a canteen out of her back pocket and storming over to Teague.

"Give me some of that Spirit's Water so that I can go home. If you fail to comply, I will rape you."

Teague was pointing his gun at her again. A hand appeared out of seemingly nowhere, and grabbed the gun from him.

"If you shoot her, there's going to be a problem." Teara's icy voice matched Kimmie's thoughts perfectly. Kimmie took the gun from the Devil, and turned to face Jack.

"I'm going to say this right now and get it out of my system." She said calmly, "YOUR FATHER -- TEAGUE SPARROW -- IS THE BIGGEST CUM GUZZLING ASSHOLE I HAVE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE!"

Barbossa had followed them over, "Might I inquire who this wench is?" He asked. Jack was about tos ay something, but Kimie hauled off and punched him so hard that he went flying halfway across the table.

"DON'T CALL ME A FUCKING WENCH YOU DUMBASS! DID YOU NOT JUST SEE ME HIT JACK FOR CALLING ME THAT!? OR ARE YOU SO STUPID THAT YOU FAILED TO REALIZE IT!? I OUGHT TO SHOOT YOU WITH THIS GUN THAT ISN'T MINE!"

Jack grasped her shoulder, massaging them carefully, "Now, now, lass, calm down. You only just met him and he's quite the oblivious one."

"No, I don't need a back massage." She said icily. She turned to Davy Jones, "Davy Jones! Come here." Unsure of what awaited him, Davy walked over, ignoring the whispers of "omfg it Davy."

Kimmie walked around him, and slapped his ass, feeling the relief wash over her.

"Just what the doctor ordered." Davy found a rope and walked over to go and hang himself. He wrapped the rope around his neck and then around the high beams that supported the ceiling. Kimmie shot at said rope and missed.

Jack rolled his eyes and took the gun that was his dad's and shot the rope for her. "Lass, you're terrible with a gun."

"WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM!? A FUCKING HUNTER!? I'VE NEVER HELD A GUN IN MY DAMN LIFE!" She roared furiously, hitting him again.

She took the gun from him again, and saw someone reached around to grab it from her. On instinct, she whirled around, swinging that gun like a crazy person. She hit Teague in the face, sending him stumbling in Jack, who tripped over Barbossa's feet and they all collapsed to the ground in a big salacious heap. Salacious means scandalous, spicy, exciting, interesting, and/or sensational. Just thought I should tell you.

They all stood up, acting like they had meant to do that. Teague was getting mad, it was clear.

"Give me my gun, wench." Kimmie glowered and rolled her eyes in irritation. She wasn't even really facing him anymore as she had stalked over to make sure that Davy wasn't trying to kill himself in other means.

"Fine." She said, tossing the gun to him. It landed out of his reach and went off upon landing on the ground. It shot Teague in the thigh with perfect accuracy. He groaned in pain, collapsing to his knees.

Kimmie turned around to find out who she had just shot, and her eyes widened, "OMG I'M SO SORRY!" She said, running past him, grabbing the spirits water and sprinting away. Jack, unsure of what to do anymore, grabbed Davy and followed her.

"Sorry, Dad!" Jack shouted over his shoulder as he sprinted past Barbossa and out the door. Teague clenched his fists in irritation.

"Somebody gonna get a hurtin' reaaaal bad."


	9. The Power of Imagination

Kimmie stretched, yawning widely as she strode across the deck of the Black Pearl. It had been a few days since the Spirit's Water Incident, and there hadn't been any sign of Teague, so everyone was twiddling their thumbs nervously and tripping over their own feet in anticipation for Big Daddy Sparrow to arrive upon the scene. They were heading for the Fountain of Youth, as Kimmie decided that Phoenixes would naturally be there. Phoenixes are immortal creations, so what better place to have them then the Fountain of Youth? Common sense.

"Are you sure that was a good idea?" Jack said uncertainly from behind her, "I mean seriously, he won't hesitate to bomb the ship to get that back."

"He won't." She said, "If this water is that important to him, then he will not bomb us, because that would obviously risk the safety of his precious water. Therefore, he will approach us, and we will have time to sink his fatherly ass before he even gets here and hey look there they are."

Sure enough, everyone could see the large ship approaching them in the distance. It was gaining on them quickly too, but that might've been because Kimmie is an impatient sonovabitch.

Before they even arrived at the ship, Kimmie summoned Teara, "Do me a favor and bring me over there. I'm sure that I can work something out with him." She said calmly.

Teara shrugged indifferently, picked her up, and flew over to Teague's ship. What is the name of Teague's ship anyway? Lets go find out.

Apparently, it is called the Misty Lady. Now that we know that, let us continue our story.

Kimmie landed quickly silently right behind Teague. The next series of event was relatively interesting.

Kimmie reached up and grabbed Teague's shoulder, scaring the shit out of him. He whirled around and shot her in the exact same spot that Jack shot her in the First Chapter, also known as 'Our Heroine Arrives.' Next, she screamed so loudly that blood actually began to come out of Teara's ears, because he's an anime-based character, so that is completely possibly for him. Plus, he's a Devil and has "Perfect Stylish Dangerous Psychedelic Valuable Economical Continental Incredible Unbelievable Shining" Ears.

If you can tell me where I got that quote, then I will give you a cookie.

Anyway, Kimmie started screaming and shrieking. Teague was about to say something, but she shouted for her two favorite pirates before he could say anything.

"JACK SPARROW! DAVY JONES!" The two climbed on deck, each sopping wet, and hurried over to Kimmie, trying to coax her out of screaming.

She tackle Jack to the ground, "GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING GUN, I WILL KILL THIS SONOVABITCH!" She roared, reaching for it but quickly being pulled off by Davy. Jack jumped up, preparing himself for a battle.

Davy muttered in her ear coaxingly, making a few promises that no one really wanted to know about, and she steadily began to calm down. She sat on the deck and Davy wrapped her brand new injury, pulling screams and curses from her like shit from a donkey's ass. That was a really bad simile. It was also fairly redundant.

Meanwhile, Jack was watching and rubbing his temples as a headache began to come on. Why had he bothered following her in the first place? What, was he insane? Life couldn't get much worse than this.

Teague held up his gun again, this time pointing it at Jack, "Where's the water, Jackie?" He said icily. Life just got much worse.

Jack turned to his dad, and responded more than honestly, "I don't know."

"Don't play games." His father responded.

"No, I really don't know. She took it and hid it somewhere, and I've actually spent the last few days trying to get her to tell me where she put it, and she tells me she forgot."

"I did!" Kimmie said defiantly, "I put it down somewhere and now I don't know where it is!"

Jack shook his head, "Now, really lass, if you don't tell him where you've put it-…"

He walked forward to approach Kimmie, who responded diligently, "I told you, I don't know where I put it. And I lost it, then you won't find it for another seven years or so. I'm pretty lame, aren't I?"

She threw a glared hotly at Teague, "Besides, if you have the water then haven't you been there before? Why don't you just go back and get some more, you whiny asshole. Why don't you take a shower there while your at it! You smell worse than Jack!"

"Now, lass, lets not be hasty… shut up."

"NO! FUCK YOU! THIS OLD FART SHOULD SUCK UP AND DEAL WITH IT! HE TURNS AROUND AND FUCKING SHOOT ME JUST BECAUSE I SNUCK UP ON HIM!" She took a short breath, before narrowing her eyes, "You know what? TAKE ME BACK TO THE PEARL!! I'M GOING TO EMPTY THE CONTENTS OF THAT FUCKING JUG INTO THE OCEAN!" She shrieked, standing up and bringing Davy with her. She turned on Jack in an instant, snatching his compass from him yet again, "I'll find my own damn water my own damn way."

Luckily, there was a dinghy that Jack and Davy had brought. Or maybe Teara had put it there.

She climbed in and Davy followed her. Jack shouted over the side of the deck that he would 'catch up later' and Kimmie barely even listened. She started rowing, her adrenaline kicking in within seconds.

"I wish that fucking ship would just fucking explode." She snarled. They made it to the Pearl, and Kimmie immediately went into Jack's cabin to hunt for the water. She found it easily, much easier than she had thought and brought it to the deck.

"I'm not going back on my word." She growled, watching as Teague's ship pulled up besides the Black Pearl.

"DON'T DO IT, WENCH!" Teague roared, leaping onto the Pearl.

She turned around, a cruel sneer on her face, "Watch me, you fucking skankbag." With that, she smashed off the top and poured its contents into the ocean.

Teague could only stare in horror as she dropped the jug alone with the water into the ocean.

"All in a days work, right, Teague?" She said icily, before stalking right past him and finding Jack.

"Did ye…"

"Yes, I fucking did. If he wants Spirit's Water that badly, then he should jump into the ocean and drink it up." She had never seemed so angry in her life, but Jack couldn't blame her. She had been shot for the third time, and he had to admit, his dad was a jerk.

She opened Jack's compass, "I don't want the water right now," She said, "Let's go to the Fountain first. The Spirit Water can come later." She handed Jack the compass, "Due north." And walked over to Teague, who was staring over the edge of the ship at the shattered pieces of his precious jug-o-water.

She shoved him over the side of the ship, "LET'S GO." She shrieked, and every immediately set to work.

Kimmie disappeared from the deck without a trace. Davy spent the next ten minutes looking for her, and even then, he couldn't find her.

"Did she send herself home?" he wondered aloud.

… … … …

"Are you okay?" She murmured, "You look a bit cold." The man looked up at her, an icy glare on his face.

"You…"

"I didn't." She said, reaching into a bag that she was sitting beside and pulling a similar jug out of it, "If you knew the way back, and this wasn't that important, then you wouldn't have followed us to get it back."

Teague scoffed, "My crew will be looking for me."

"No they won't." She said, "Why they won't isn't a concern to you. Where did you get this? The only reason I stole this from you was because I needed you to help me find the Spirit's Well so that I could get my own water, and thus, be one step closer to going home.

"Home?"

"Calypso agreed to perform a spell to send me back to my time. I'm from the year 2010, and I came here completely on accident. In fact, I fell through a portal that was under my bed." To prove her point, Kimmie reached into her back pocket and pulled out the Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest DVD that she had been carrying around since chapter one.

"In reality, I'm not even from this world. Alternate realities, dimensional portals… things that would make Sir Isaac Newton's brain explode. But you don't know who Isaac is, so never mind." Kimmie stood up, and glanced out the door to the wine cellar. She was rather surprised that no one had found her yet. Well, she didn't drink, so they probably figured that she wouldn't be here anyway.

She closed the door again and sat back down in front of Teague, pondering what else to talk about to make the time pass.

"You know, the first day that I arrived on this ship, Jack shot me." She finally said, "He did it completely on purpose, just because I bonked him on the head a bit. He shot me right where you shot me."

Teague raised his eyebrows slightly, "Did he now?"

"Yea, but he apologized. Then I got shot by some loser pirate called Mandovi Chardonnay, but not until after I made Davy Jones my bitch."

"Davy Jones?"

"He has dark brown hair… he came to your ship with Jack to calm me down?"

"_That's _Davy Jones!?"

"Yea, I changed him through _**THE **__**POWER OF IMAGINATION**_."

They continued for at least another half an hour before Davy finally decided that it wouldn't hurt to check the wine cellar.

"And then I slapped his ass, got into a dinghy, and sailed away with Will and Bill."

"You beat him at _strip poker_?! That's rich!"

Davy's eye twitched, and he opened the door, looking irate, "I've been looking for ye, lass." He said, a sour look on his face.

"That guy is Davy Jones."

Teague raised his eyebrows, sucking his lips into his mouth to hold back his laughter at the idea of this guy getting his ass slapped. Kimmie stood up, brushing herself off and then helped Teague to his feet.

"Well, I suppose now is a good time to let Jack know that Papa Sparrow is going to be accompanying us for our little excavation." Kimmie said airily, heading for the main deck, the two men right behind her.

They reached the deck, and Kimmie disappeared from their sight. They didn't know where she was until they heard her shriek.

"WILL!" She screamed at the top off her lungs as she sprinted across the deck and literally _threw herself_ at him. He lost his footing and collapsed to the ground, the crazy psycho bitch on top him all the way.

Will sat up, staring at her in confusion, "You're still here?"

She hit him across the face, "YOU JERK! I DON'T SEE YOU FOR SEVEN CHAPTERS AND THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE TO SAY IS 'YOU'RE STILL HERE!?' WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF GREETING IS THAT!?"

"Sorry! Sorry! Uhh… How have you been?"

"I've been very well. Where the heck did you go after chapter one?"

"Don't you remember? Your Author skipped through all the movies, so she didn't actually tell anyone that I got on the Flying Dutchman and sailed away."

"So, why are you here now?"

"Dunno. Plot device?"

Kimmie nodded in understanding, "Probably." She got off him and helped him to his feet. "Ah, yes. You haven't been here. Teague Sparrow, this is William Turner. William Turner, this is Teague Sparrow." She made them shake hands, and then turned to Davy.

"Where's Jack?"

Davy glanced at Will, before spinning in a circle, "I don't see him, so he's probably in his cabin, hiding from his love interest's husband."

"Oh, okay. In that case, go and get him. I need to use his compass, and by the way, we're not going to let Will go. We're going to keep him for a while. TACKLE HIM BEFORE HE GETS AWAY!"

The lack of hesitation in the crew was unnerving to Will as everyone tackled him to the ground and began to sail away.

"BOOTSTRAP!" Kimmie roared at the Flying Dutchman, "WE'RE STEALING WILL! BUT WE'LL GIVE HIM BACK AS SOON AS WE'RE DONE WITH HIM! IN THE MEANTIME, YOU'RE IN CHARGE OF THE SHIP!"

Bootstrap Bill appeared at the side of the Dutchman, a look of disbelief on his face as he watched Will trying to escape from the dog pile, and not succeeding at all.

"IS THIS OKAY, WILL?"

"IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN GET AWAY ANYWAY!"

"OKAY THEN! I'LL SEE YOU LATER, THEN!"

"OKAY- WAIT, SERIOUSLY!?"

"Bye Will…!"

Will's jaw dropped in disbelief as the Flying Dutchman dove under the water, completely abandoning him. The crew got off of him, and went back to their stations with complete calmness. The fact that they so easily obeyed Kimmie's instructions just went to show how much they appreciated her company.

He stood up, shaking his head in defeat. Kimmie walked up, Davy and Jack right behind her. She was following the compasses point to make sure that it wasn't pointing at anybody, and was pointing at a landmass. If it wasn't pointing at a landmass, she would be angry.

Teague was explaining to Jack how to get to the Spirit's Well, for future reference, and Davy was talking to Kimmie.

"So, Will Turner is the new captain of my ship?"

"What, did you forget while you were ever so lamely floating around in the sea?"

"Well… sort of… no."

Kimmie raised her eyebrows, and continued walking as if she hadn't just had such a conversation.

"That's right, he probably doesn't know that you're Davy Jones."

"He doesn't really need to, either."

"Hey, Will, heads up, this is Davy Jones. Yes, the same one you killed." Will stared at her for a long time.

"Really now?"

"Yes, really."

"I thought that-…"

"I used _**THE POWER OF IMAGINATION**_ to bring him back from the abyss of where ever the hell he was." Will nodded slowly, glancing at her arm.

"You were shot?"

"Two more times since you disappeared."

"Who did it?"

"Mandovi Chardonnay shot me a few weeks ago, and Teague shot me just today."

"Mandovi? I know that guy… vaguely. We had an adventure him -- Jack, Elizabeth, and I did. But it was so inappropriate; they couldn't make a movie out of it."

"Too bad! I would've watched it!"

"Well, let me tell you all about it, then…" William said nostalgically, going into Flashback mode.

It was actually a really nice day, and Jack was up to his usual antics…

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_

Story time!  
So, I checked my mail a while ago, and I found this comment from someone who calls themselves 'The Editor VI'  
This is what they said, and its actually kind of funny.

_**"Wow, mistake humor and poor taste much?**_

_**-The Editor VI  
(Write back if you wish. It's not like I read it.)"**_

Okay, first of all, in case you, my wonderful readers who appreciate me, couldn't tell; I'm fourteen. Also, this is crack, written by a fourteen year old. Its not supposed to be intelligent humor, and no one is suposed to be in character. I wrote this truthfully; this is what would happen if I was in this movie and these things happened. I am honestly basing Kimmie off myself, and I am honestly making this story a complete bullshit story. Also, might I mention that telling me not to write back was a bit too much. Whether you had told me not to or not, I wouldn't have. And if I was that kind of person, then even if you did tell me not to, I still would've. Telling someone not to write back will only encourage them to write back. I'm not going to try to get you banned, and I'm not going to write to you through PM messages, or whatever. I don't care that much to go through that kind of trouble. Nah, I'm just going to let other readers who might want to tell me something similiar know things that you clearly didn't think about before you told me that I'm not a good writer.  
Also, as I like to say alot; If one person is angry and everyone else is laughing, then its funny. As you can see, one person is angry, and everyone else is laughing. Clearly, the story is funny. Also, I don't care what you people have to say about my stories. I honestly couldn't care less. It's got to be the least important thing to me. The only reason I'm writing about this little encounter is not because I'm upset, or angry, or crying in my seat because this so-called 'Editor' doesn't appreciate my fourteen-year-old sense of humor. I'm writing about this because I just wanted to make something clear.  
I don't care if you don't think this story is intelligent. I didn't write it from an intelligent standpoint. I wrote it as a 12-14 year old girl, to 12-14 year old girls, for 12-14 year old girls. I know how mature 12-14 year old girls are. If I wrote this as if I were Einstein, they wouldn't get most of the jokes. Editor, you seem to be a very stupid person. In this story, I specifically targeted a certain age group, and I do believe I succeeded. And, you know what? If all of the people who read and loved this story were like, 15-19, then cool. Either my 14 year old humor is more sophisticated then I thought, or Americas intellect level has sunk to an all-time low. I know that I don't have the best grammar, and I damn well know that I tend to misspell things. But there is a reason for both of those. I have bad grammar, because I don't tend to pay attention when I'm writing. I often write your intstead of you're because I either forget which is which(a common mistake), or I decide that your would be faster to type. I misspell alot because I think really fast. I think fast, and I try to keep up with my thinking by typing. And trust me, when you're typing 600 kps, you will mess up. Alot, in fact. If I ignored every single one of my mistakes, my stories would be completely illegible. There's not need to give yourself an ulcer about how good or bad someone can write.  
If you're going to base how well I write based on this pile of crap, then you're the failure. I've already written three full books, and I can tell you myself that only one of them will be published, because I don't think the other two are even appropriate enough to be published in the first place. If you really want to judge my writing skills, then let me know and I can send you a copy of 'To Possess the Evening'(my third and best book). In the meantime, why don't you do your very very very best to come up with a good, well written fanfic. When you've finished it, let me know and I'll tell you if you're even worthy to be telling people that they're bad writers. If your going to call yourself an editor, then you damn well better be able to write yourself.

* * *

That's all I wanted to say. Anyway, getting that all aside, I hope that everyone enjoyed this chapter. I had a jolly good time writing it, actually. Sorry for the late update. I had a massive writers block. I had the ideas, but couldn't get them onto E-paper.  
I mentioned above in my little Editor rant thing that I have written three books. I have, too. Original stories. Only two of them are finished. The first one I wrote (The First Storm of Spring), is done. The second book I've written (The Last Storm of Spring), isn't finished. The Third book I've written (To Possess the Evening) is finished. I won't be able to send you 'To Possess the Evening', but if you want, I can send you the first book and then the second once I've finished it. There is alot of yaoi, rape, and porn in them, especially book two. If your interested, just let me know.  
Wow! Longest Chapter yet!


	10. The System is Down

"W-what the fuck just happened?!" Kimmie roared, looking around in utter disbelief, "We just rewinded! What the FUCK HAPPENED!?"

A voice from on high reply, "_In an awesome collaboration between my sister and me, I accidentally lost everything that I had previously written_."

"WHAT THE FUCK!? ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING!?"

_"Hey! Don't be mean! It was an accident!"_

"YOU ARE ONE STUPID MOTHER FUCKER, YOU KNOW THAT!? KNOW WE HAVE TO CHANGE SHIT AND MAKE IT ALL DIFFERENT BECAUSE I DON"T REMEMBER WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!!"

"What's the problem, lass?" Jack asked, apparating like a wizard.

"My stupid fucking author and her equally stupid fucking sister FUCKED UP THE STORY SO NOW I GET TO REPEAT A BUNCH OF STUFF! I HAVEN"T EVEN PRACTICED MY LINES SO I DON"T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!"

"Author? What?" Will apparated beside Jack.

"WHAT"S WITH THE WIZARDRY!?"

That guy whose name I forget apparated too, "You're a wizard, Harry."

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!??!"

The guy, whose name I suddenly recall being "Hagrid", blinking, looking around himself for a moment. He then hopped in the Batmobile and drove away, even though they were in the middle of the ocean.

Davy's eyes were wide as he wandered on set, "Oh no!" He said in horror, "The fabric of reality has been disrupted! World's and fandoms are colliding!"

Kimmie stared at him, "Is that bad?"

"Its very bad."

"FUCK ME." Kimmie hollered in a way that probably isn't actually hollering, and oh hey I changed tenses for a second there run on sentence! "SHUT UP YOU STUPID AUTHOR! Anyway, is there any way to fix this?"

Davy Jones nodded, looking really cool for a moment as a magical breeze took his semi-long hair and made it float through the wind really sexily, "It'll be dangerous, but we must summon the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!"

Kimmie's eye twitched, "Are you fucking kidding me? That is SO LAME. GOD I HATE THIS STORY!"

Somehow, Jack got a hold of an MP40, and was shooting every fish he saw. He laughed, and started dancing with it as theme music happened in the background.

_"Love stinks! Yea, yea!!!"_

"Okay, that is it!" Kimmie barked, stealing the MP40 form jack and throwing it into the ocean, which she INSTANTLY regretted, "We have to find this damned cat, or I will kill people. Where would he be?"

"Jellicle Island; duh."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP TEAGUE! AND WHY ARE YOU HOSTING A TEA PARTY?"

Teague sipped at his tea, his pink frilly dress accenting his eyes nicely. There was no denying it; the fabric of reality really was going through the goddamn washing machine. At this point, Kimmie would do just about anything to get those idiots back. Davy Jones, who seemed to be the only one unaffected, assisted her in anchoring the huge ship. The two of them hopped into a dinghy, and set off to an actually very conveniently placed island, only a mile or so away.

"When did that get there?"

"I don't know. The Author probably put it there to skip a needless journey of stupidity. I guess this is annoying her as much as it is me."

Davy shrugged indifferently, "Well, I guess that I can't complain if that's the case."

And so, Kimmie and Davy set off on a completely unrelated journey that will be written entirely to get the author back into the groove. There is no actual purpose for their suffering.

"ARE YOU SERIOUS!?"

Until next time!


	11. FUCKING ICE CREAM RAH RAH RAH

"Say, Davy, why aren't you affected by this fabric bullshit?"

Davy Jones thought about Kimmie's question for a long moment, ignoring the sound of a beluga whale wailing in the background. He glanced over his shoulder, and could barely see Jack redeploying after having jumped over the side of the boat.

"I guess you can't get much more Fabric of Reality-disturbing than being a fish-person that's been changed back into a person and makes particularly no sense at all as a being." He replied calmly, raising his eyebrows as he listened to Jack and Teague breaking into a Disney song called "Just Around the Riverbend", from Pocahontas. That was a really sad movie. I never saw it, but I hear it's really sad.

The water turned green somehow, and then pink, and then orange, and finally back to blue.

"Is this shit turning to Kool-Aid or something?" She pulled a cup out of her back pocket and scooped up some of the probable juice, which had just turned purple. She took a sip.

"WHAT THE FUCK!? IT IS KOOL-AID!!!" She roared. The Kool-Aid man broke down through wall in front of them.

"OH YEA!"

"Oh no, Kool-Aid Man. Oh no. My dad's gonna beat me with a fucking toaster when he sees this." Dane Cook slapped his forehead. Kimmie pushed him into the water, where he was electrocuted by his microphone.

Kimmie plopped herself back onto the boat, and glanced over at Davy Jones. The sunset behind them was bright orange, red, pink and purple. The waves set cool chills up their spines, the chilly waters making the mood.

"Are you cold?"

Kimmie batted her eyelashes, blushing slightly, "Just a little…" Davy Jones wrapped an arm around her, pulling her close and smiling warmly at her.

"What the fuck?" Kimmie instantly pulled away, and Davy Jones made a disgusted face.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!" She suddenly started screaming, pointing up at the Fabric of Reality, "DON'T FUCK WITH ME!!!"

Davy was still making that face, and Kimmie rounded on him in an instant, "AND YOU! DON'T MAKE A DISTGUSTED FACE, YOU ASSHOLE! I'M NOT A GROSS PERSON! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!"

Davy rubbed his face; she had hit him, but I didn't tell you that. Sorry.

"Well, sorry, lass! No need to hit me over something so trivial!"

"Yea, well fuck you." She sat back down, staring straight ahead, and very much in the opposite direction of Davy. He sighed, and patted her head.

"There, there, lass. It's not your fault that you had to act like such a completely idiotic girly-girl. I was also acting rather ridiculous." He sounded like he was talking about making a grand journey or something, even though they were only a few hundred feet from their destination, "We will fix the Fabric of Reality, and this kind of thing will never happen again."

"Yea, it fucking better not. I would never act like that. If I wanted a kiss, I'd grab you by your hair, pin you down and mouth-rape you."

Davy shuddered, thinking of that time a few days ago when….

_No, you swore to never think about that again! Happy thoughts, happy place…_

They finally hit shore, the two of them hopping out of the dinghy like bunnies, and starting off towards the center of the island. Davy led the way, as he seemed to know about this place quite well.

"You seem to know about this place quite well, Davy."

"Yes," He said, "It was Mr. Mistoffelees who turned me into an octopus when I was completely emo."

"…Oh. Wow. That's kind of the biggest fail I've ever heard of in… holy SHIT, this place is worse than my fucking bedroom."

And indeed it was; filth and trash lay all over the goddamn place; it was ten times worse than Kimmie's bedroom, which was like, _woah_.

They wandered aimlessly for a while until they found a clearing in the garbage. There were a bunch of cats… sort of. More like Cat-People. And stuff. Yea, I'm gonna stop describing the Cat-People.

"Who is this?" Munkustrap, the apparent half-assed leader of the cats who fights like a fucking loser said, "I don't recognize you, and you don't seem to-…"

"Okay, yea, shut the fuck up, you dumbass. Where is Mistoffelees?" Kimmie cut him off, walking forward and catcalling for the missing Tuxedo. HOLY SHIT I CAN'T FUCKING TYPE TODAY! If I didn't correct any of my mistakes today, you wouldn't be able to read ANY OF THIS FUCKING CHAPTER. GOD THIS IS PISSING ME O-FU-FU, JE-FU-FU. YEA, I WENT THERE!

Anyway, so, Alfonzo came out of someone's ASS, in a similar manner to how Will the 1st would, and looked around himself like a fucking retard would. With lots of head twitching and air-sniffing.

Kimmie raised her eyebrows and pointed at him indiscreetly, "That guy looks like he needs serious mental help." She cut of Davy before he could reply and glanced around again, "Where is that little fucker? MR. FUCKING MISTOFFELEES, YOU GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OUT HERE RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND, BEFORE I-…"

The cat appeared in front of her, scaring her so bad that she kicked him halfway across the junkyard.

"YOU FUCK! DON'T SCARE ME LIKE THAT!!!" Kimmie screeched, blasting the ears of everyone present.

"Sorry." Mistoffelees said apologetically, bowing his head and he walked back up to her, apparently not at all fazed by being kicked halfway across the WORLD. Kimmie petted him for a moment to apologize for kicking him, and then spoke.

"I need you to fix the Fabric of Reality. If you don't, I'll kill you, skin you, and use your fur in a coat."

He looked mortified to hear this, and waved his hands around like the biggest moron ever.

"There, fixed."

"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!??!?!" Kimmie roared, "THAT'S IT!??! SERIOUSL!??! FUCK, I COULD"VE DONE THAT! I'M SO PISSED! FUCKING ICE CREAM RAH RAH RAH!" You wouldn't know where the Fucking Ice Cream Rah Rah Rah thing, because its not from any movies or anything

Here, I'll tell you the story. Gina (me sistah), Nat( Me FURENDO DESU) and I (ME DESU) heard some kind of fight or something, and we went outside to find out what was going on. Or something like that. We listened to the fight, and then went back inside.

The next morning, Nat and Gina were awake and four in the morning for some stupid reason along the lines of "Nat has the most annoying fucking mental alarm clock ever" and they heard another fight. The two of them heard some guy shout something that sounded like "FUCKING ICE CREAM!" That's all I know about it, seeing as how I wasn't awake. I don't know if Nat added the RAH RAH RAH by herself or not, but I don't especially care.

And that's the story.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP." Kimmie roared as she stormed back through the forest, Davy scurrying along behind her in a very meek manner. She was pissed, because the Fabric had been so easily fixed. The Fabric being, of course, The Fabric of Reality.

She got into the dinghy, Davy pushed it out into the water, and they floated back the the Black Pearl. Teague was throwing a fit and killing people in a huge tantrum, because he had found himself in a dress, and Jack was screaming in the water, as he had jumped back in right as the Fabric was corrected, so he didn't redeploy. Everyone else was too unimportant in this story to be mentioned. Haha, I just insulted a bunch of people! ROFL!

Kimmie climbed back on the boat, pulling Davy along by his hair, took him into Jack's room and did cruel, horrible, evil things to his body. It was cruel, but who gives a flying fuck? I sure as hell don't. Especially not a flying on.

* * *

**A/N**

**Took me long e-fucking-nough, didn't it? I got a review like, recently and they told me to update. So I did. That person should feel special. If they don't, I'll kill them, so they oughta watch out. HURRHURR**


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